A fitting location for a funeral or memorial service is important to establishing the right mood for the celebration intended to honor the life of the deceased as well as to show our respects to the living. Every end-of-life plan should consider the attitudes, personality and lifestyle of the departed and the intended invitees at the celebration. For those such as myself who are not wealthy, except in spirit, we should also consider the costs associated with the venue.
After many years of high-powered, intense, beat-my-head-against-the-wall living, I now live my life in a much more informal and relaxed manner. Consequently, I personally prefer the thought of a memorial service in a private residence, fraternal organization, community building or a park.
I want nothing to do with a funeral home setting after my departure. The funeral director will be in charge of publishing my obituary in accord with my instructions, providing death certificates, et cetera, but the range of services used will be narrow compared to the services offered.
I respect funeral directors and the important services they provide, and I will use their services for removal of my body from my place of death to the crematory; however, I do not want their involvement in the funeral service itself.
A beautiful park environment would be a joyful place for an end of life celebration. I do not have enough friends who would want to attend a large memorial service, and my friends and family would be more comfortable in a relaxed, informal setting. Personally, unless I consider someone to be a friend or close acquaintance, their attendance at my memorial service is not required.
For those who live a more formal lifestyle, a church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other place of worship would be an ideal place for a public gathering. For the famous, a large amphitheater is an option for those who are society's version of aristrocrats and nobility.
Setting a location for a funeral or memorial service should always take into account the wishes of the decedent, his or her lifestyle, and the comfort of those who will be attending.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Copyright, 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Showing posts with label Burial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Burial. Show all posts
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Who Will Write Your Final Cut?
I was watching “The Final Cut,” a science fiction drama starring Robin Williams, Mira Sorvino and James Caviezel. As a memorialist, I particularly enjoyed this film.
First-time filmmaker Omar Naim writes and directs the science fiction drama The Final Cut. The movie is set in the near future. The story concerns a microchip that is capable of recording a person's entire life. Robin Williams plays Alan Hakman, an editor who cuts together the footage to make pleasant movies for funerals.
The film has a theme that 1 in 20 people have memory chips and Williams’ character, known as “a cutter,” assembles categories of memory, e.g., family, career, community, et cetera. At the end of people’s lives, the editor assembles the best of the life stories, careful to delete footage that reflects the sins of mortal men and women.
For most of us, a diary or journal is as close to a memory chip as we will ever have. We can be honest to the degree that our characters will allow, and we can be as complete or incomplete as we desire.
Everyone has a story and, for most people, their story will die with them, except as preserved in the memories of others or through a memorial or family history. Our memories are encrypted in the minds of others and this data can be reached through personal interviews, perhaps using the Family History Questionnaire.
I am a big proponent of our Family History Questionnaire, http://www.valdostamemorials.com/family_history_questionnaire.htm to interview relatives before they pass away.
I am also a strong advocate for the use of Life History Plaques (SM) to memorialize our lives and the lives of others as part of the cemetery monument. See, http://www.valdostamemorials.com/LifeHistoryPlaques.asp.
One line in the film states word to the effect that “it is for the greater good that your life mean something.” That is a thought that everyone should reflect upon.
If you want your life to mean something, and everyone should aspire to leave the world better because of their actions, then the Family History Questionnaire and the Life History Plaques (SM) are excellent starting points for documenting your family history.
Preserve your family history; after all, centuries from now, the only knowledge of your family may be what you, yourself, preserve. Just do it, and do it now; after all, it is the right thing to do. Besides, this may be your only opportunity to do your own final cut!
Oh, “the Final Cut” is a fine movie for anyone, but especially enjoyable for anyone in the death-care industry.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Copyright, 2006. All Rights Reserved.
First-time filmmaker Omar Naim writes and directs the science fiction drama The Final Cut. The movie is set in the near future. The story concerns a microchip that is capable of recording a person's entire life. Robin Williams plays Alan Hakman, an editor who cuts together the footage to make pleasant movies for funerals.
The film has a theme that 1 in 20 people have memory chips and Williams’ character, known as “a cutter,” assembles categories of memory, e.g., family, career, community, et cetera. At the end of people’s lives, the editor assembles the best of the life stories, careful to delete footage that reflects the sins of mortal men and women.
For most of us, a diary or journal is as close to a memory chip as we will ever have. We can be honest to the degree that our characters will allow, and we can be as complete or incomplete as we desire.
Everyone has a story and, for most people, their story will die with them, except as preserved in the memories of others or through a memorial or family history. Our memories are encrypted in the minds of others and this data can be reached through personal interviews, perhaps using the Family History Questionnaire.
I am a big proponent of our Family History Questionnaire, http://www.valdostamemorials.com/family_history_questionnaire.htm to interview relatives before they pass away.
I am also a strong advocate for the use of Life History Plaques (SM) to memorialize our lives and the lives of others as part of the cemetery monument. See, http://www.valdostamemorials.com/LifeHistoryPlaques.asp.
One line in the film states word to the effect that “it is for the greater good that your life mean something.” That is a thought that everyone should reflect upon.
If you want your life to mean something, and everyone should aspire to leave the world better because of their actions, then the Family History Questionnaire and the Life History Plaques (SM) are excellent starting points for documenting your family history.
Preserve your family history; after all, centuries from now, the only knowledge of your family may be what you, yourself, preserve. Just do it, and do it now; after all, it is the right thing to do. Besides, this may be your only opportunity to do your own final cut!
Oh, “the Final Cut” is a fine movie for anyone, but especially enjoyable for anyone in the death-care industry.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Copyright, 2006. All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Conflict And The Potential For Violence During Burial Rituals
Today, I received an email that stimulated my thoughts on the potential for conflict among family members, and others, during burial rituals, from last rites, through a viewing in a funeral home to funerals.
Violence At The Funeral Home or The Funeral
Two of my cousins engaged in a fight at the funeral home when their father died. Naturally, emotions run high at the time of death of a close member of the family and previous animosities may or may not be pushed into the background as individuals jockey for influence and decision making in the burial proceedings.
Some folks are mentally ill, others are violent, while others harbor strong animous over real or imagined offenses. Everyone is a potential victim of someone seeking to do harm to others. Everyone knows someone who is a ticking timebomb of sorts.
If There Is A Potential For Violence, Precautions Should Be Taken
One thing is for certain, if there is a potential for conflict, funeral home management and the police should be forewarned and proper preparations should be in place. It should also be clear in advance as to who the decision makers will be in the burial rituals.
Conflict After Remarriage
My mother remarried after my father died. Her new husband's ex-wife approached my mother at a funeral the one time they met, introduced herself, and then boldly asserted to my mother and her husband that she (the first wife) was the first and best wife my mother's husband would ever have. Apparently, my mother and her husband see the world much differently than the former wife. Still, this was a time for potential conflict.
I recently read an article where a former wife took over the viewing of the deceased, with display boards with a great quantity of photos of herself and the deceased former husband giving a false impression that she was the widow of the deceased, substantially offending the second wife who had a short-term marriage to the deceased husband. How should such situations be handled? Delicately, of course; however, my advice would be that divorce terminates the rights of the former spouse who should not be allowed to usurp the proceedings. The first wife should only act with the permission of, and the good graces of the subsequent spouse.
If Animosity Preexisted Death, Then Preparations Should Be Made
Everyone knows someone who strongly dislikes someone else in the family. If folks do not get along during times of calm, how can anyone expect these same persons to get along during times of high stress with inherent potential for volatile emotions. There are some events in life that pull families to the same locations, e.g., weddings, hospitals and funerals. Adequate security should always be in place for private or public events. The key word is "adequate" and the need will vary depending on the risks inherent in the situation.
The Responsibility Of The Living
If you love your family, I believe the living have responsibility to make preparations to communicate the potential conflict to the funeral home. Likewise, funeral personnel must ask the hard questions as a matter of practice.
If the funeral home can produce written instructions, from the deceased, that clearly identify the potential problems with written pre-need instructions potential conflict can be identified and reduced.
Invitations and Disinvitations
It may be necessary to disinvite certain individuals from private or public events. Fortunately, laws are being enacted that tighten control for public events.
If someone has a high propensity for violence, I see nothing wrong with placing restrictions on that person, either through a disinvitation that would bar the person from private or public events.
No one should be allowed to disrupt the peace at funeral proceedings either by loud, unruly talk, threats, or assaultive conduct. Anyone barred from private or public proceedings can be arrested should they attempt to trespass onto private property.
Security:
I see nothing wrong with hiring security personnel for funeral proceedings. Uniformed police can be visible or close by ready for intervention. Non-uniformed security can patrol or even stand close to potential victims, or potential aggressors, to provide protection for anyone who might be the victim of violence.
If there are family members with a history of violence, then those individuals may need to be banned. Likewise, less apparent threats may require separation of visitors through limiting access, view at specific times, or even privately searching potential threats. In this day and age of easy access to firearms, and violence, it may even be necessary to use metal detectors to prevent the carrying of concealed weapons.
The Standard Is Foreseeability
The standard should be foreseeability. If violence is foreseeable, then precautions must be taken.
If there is an argument inside the funeral home, then it is foreseeable that a participant, or even a family member, may go to their vehicle, retrieve a weapon, and seek revenge on other participants or families of those involved in the conflict. Everyone deserves to live in a safe environment.
The Potential For Violence Always Exists
It is my view that there is always potential for violence and the funeral director should take affirmative steps to inquire in advance of potential opportunities for conflict. It is a cliche to say "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," however, it is also true.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Violence At The Funeral Home or The Funeral
Two of my cousins engaged in a fight at the funeral home when their father died. Naturally, emotions run high at the time of death of a close member of the family and previous animosities may or may not be pushed into the background as individuals jockey for influence and decision making in the burial proceedings.
Some folks are mentally ill, others are violent, while others harbor strong animous over real or imagined offenses. Everyone is a potential victim of someone seeking to do harm to others. Everyone knows someone who is a ticking timebomb of sorts.
If There Is A Potential For Violence, Precautions Should Be Taken
One thing is for certain, if there is a potential for conflict, funeral home management and the police should be forewarned and proper preparations should be in place. It should also be clear in advance as to who the decision makers will be in the burial rituals.
Conflict After Remarriage
My mother remarried after my father died. Her new husband's ex-wife approached my mother at a funeral the one time they met, introduced herself, and then boldly asserted to my mother and her husband that she (the first wife) was the first and best wife my mother's husband would ever have. Apparently, my mother and her husband see the world much differently than the former wife. Still, this was a time for potential conflict.
I recently read an article where a former wife took over the viewing of the deceased, with display boards with a great quantity of photos of herself and the deceased former husband giving a false impression that she was the widow of the deceased, substantially offending the second wife who had a short-term marriage to the deceased husband. How should such situations be handled? Delicately, of course; however, my advice would be that divorce terminates the rights of the former spouse who should not be allowed to usurp the proceedings. The first wife should only act with the permission of, and the good graces of the subsequent spouse.
If Animosity Preexisted Death, Then Preparations Should Be Made
Everyone knows someone who strongly dislikes someone else in the family. If folks do not get along during times of calm, how can anyone expect these same persons to get along during times of high stress with inherent potential for volatile emotions. There are some events in life that pull families to the same locations, e.g., weddings, hospitals and funerals. Adequate security should always be in place for private or public events. The key word is "adequate" and the need will vary depending on the risks inherent in the situation.
The Responsibility Of The Living
If you love your family, I believe the living have responsibility to make preparations to communicate the potential conflict to the funeral home. Likewise, funeral personnel must ask the hard questions as a matter of practice.
If the funeral home can produce written instructions, from the deceased, that clearly identify the potential problems with written pre-need instructions potential conflict can be identified and reduced.
Invitations and Disinvitations
It may be necessary to disinvite certain individuals from private or public events. Fortunately, laws are being enacted that tighten control for public events.
If someone has a high propensity for violence, I see nothing wrong with placing restrictions on that person, either through a disinvitation that would bar the person from private or public events.
No one should be allowed to disrupt the peace at funeral proceedings either by loud, unruly talk, threats, or assaultive conduct. Anyone barred from private or public proceedings can be arrested should they attempt to trespass onto private property.
Security:
I see nothing wrong with hiring security personnel for funeral proceedings. Uniformed police can be visible or close by ready for intervention. Non-uniformed security can patrol or even stand close to potential victims, or potential aggressors, to provide protection for anyone who might be the victim of violence.
If there are family members with a history of violence, then those individuals may need to be banned. Likewise, less apparent threats may require separation of visitors through limiting access, view at specific times, or even privately searching potential threats. In this day and age of easy access to firearms, and violence, it may even be necessary to use metal detectors to prevent the carrying of concealed weapons.
The Standard Is Foreseeability
The standard should be foreseeability. If violence is foreseeable, then precautions must be taken.
If there is an argument inside the funeral home, then it is foreseeable that a participant, or even a family member, may go to their vehicle, retrieve a weapon, and seek revenge on other participants or families of those involved in the conflict. Everyone deserves to live in a safe environment.
The Potential For Violence Always Exists
It is my view that there is always potential for violence and the funeral director should take affirmative steps to inquire in advance of potential opportunities for conflict. It is a cliche to say "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," however, it is also true.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Saturday, December 16, 2006
End Of Life Plans: Viewing Or Non-Viewing Of The Deceased's Body
Recently, I attended the preburial viewing for a gentleman whom I grew up with in a small Northcentral Florida farm community.
Upon arrival at the funeral home, I signed in, looked around for the family whom I know, but did not immediately see, and I then proceeded to walk down the aisle to view the body. "Gee, he looks old," I thought, as I viewed the cancer-ravaged body of a man who was slightly younger than myself.
The viewing of my body is one ritual that I do not want any part of when I die. I do not want anyone looking at my body in a casket, scrutinizing my body, face, hair, fingernails, neatness of my facial hair, or whatever else it is that folks notice about persons who are dead.
I would not want that scrutiny why I am alive and I certainly do not want that scrutiny after my death. Please remember me as I was during my life.
I recall viewing the body of a former roommate in California who had been the assistant manager for a Bob's Big Boy. Sadly, he was murdered by robbers. As his body lay in the casket, I saw blood beneath his fingernails! Surely the mortician could have cleaned his fingernails!
As a boy, I recall the ritual of attending a "wake" for my grandfather, Burton Eugene Fletcher. His casket was in the living room of the family home and folks were eating in the same room during his last night on this earth.
We did the same for my Great Uncle Burton Mobley, the brother of Ethel Mobley Fletcher, my grandmother, though he had committed suicide some 9 months or so before his body was delivered to the family. Fortunately, a detective had taken the effort to track down Uncle Burt's family before his body was disposed of as abandoned or perhaps buried in a pauper's grave.
Thankfully, the ritual of the wake seems to have passed away for many folk. I hope the ritual of viewing the body will also pass away. If you tell me someone died, I am going to believe you. I do not need to see the body to believe you!
I often hear comments about the appearance of the dead like, "he looked so natural," or "he did not look good," et cetera. In essence, the mortician can do a good or a bad job with the appearance of the deceased. The art of the mortician is a talent to be admired, but it is also an effort that I would argue should be less common.
I recall watching a rerun of "Six Feet Under," an HBO program that I loved for its wacky look at the funeral-home business, with a segment in which Lucy was secretly taking photos for an art project. Lucy took beautiful photos of the deceased patrons as they lay in repose in the caskets at the family funeral home.
I have made it very, very clear to my family that I want to be cremated upon death, and I do not want a public viewing of my body. If I die in the hospital, I want my immediate family to have a brief opportunity to view my body in its natural state--without makeup. Then, I want my body taken directly to the crematory for processing. Period.
A memorial service is optional and I can forego that ritual as well. I have my urn and my monument and I have given clear instructions as to my end-of-life wishes. Do you hear me family?
Now, I certaily respect the wishes of others who desire to have a funeral or a memorial service, with or without a cremation or traditional burial; however, I hope my own views should be respected--and followed.
The death ritual should fulfill my wishes and whatever your own thoughts, shouldn't I have the ultimate say? I am of sound mind and I have made my wishes abundantly clear, so dear family, please honor me by following MY wishes.
Dearest family, please remember that I do not want a viewing of my remains in a church, funeral home or graveside service. Instead, should you desire to hold a memorial service, I suggest that you use a large oil painting that portrays my life some 15 years or so ago. That will be enough.
Also, please remember that I have already written my obituary and you will find copies in print and MS Word and .rtf formats on a disc in my file at the funeral home. I have shown my love for my family by planning the necessary activities that conclude my life. I love you dear family, now please honor my wishes.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
Upon arrival at the funeral home, I signed in, looked around for the family whom I know, but did not immediately see, and I then proceeded to walk down the aisle to view the body. "Gee, he looks old," I thought, as I viewed the cancer-ravaged body of a man who was slightly younger than myself.
The viewing of my body is one ritual that I do not want any part of when I die. I do not want anyone looking at my body in a casket, scrutinizing my body, face, hair, fingernails, neatness of my facial hair, or whatever else it is that folks notice about persons who are dead.
I would not want that scrutiny why I am alive and I certainly do not want that scrutiny after my death. Please remember me as I was during my life.
I recall viewing the body of a former roommate in California who had been the assistant manager for a Bob's Big Boy. Sadly, he was murdered by robbers. As his body lay in the casket, I saw blood beneath his fingernails! Surely the mortician could have cleaned his fingernails!
As a boy, I recall the ritual of attending a "wake" for my grandfather, Burton Eugene Fletcher. His casket was in the living room of the family home and folks were eating in the same room during his last night on this earth.
We did the same for my Great Uncle Burton Mobley, the brother of Ethel Mobley Fletcher, my grandmother, though he had committed suicide some 9 months or so before his body was delivered to the family. Fortunately, a detective had taken the effort to track down Uncle Burt's family before his body was disposed of as abandoned or perhaps buried in a pauper's grave.
Thankfully, the ritual of the wake seems to have passed away for many folk. I hope the ritual of viewing the body will also pass away. If you tell me someone died, I am going to believe you. I do not need to see the body to believe you!
I often hear comments about the appearance of the dead like, "he looked so natural," or "he did not look good," et cetera. In essence, the mortician can do a good or a bad job with the appearance of the deceased. The art of the mortician is a talent to be admired, but it is also an effort that I would argue should be less common.
I recall watching a rerun of "Six Feet Under," an HBO program that I loved for its wacky look at the funeral-home business, with a segment in which Lucy was secretly taking photos for an art project. Lucy took beautiful photos of the deceased patrons as they lay in repose in the caskets at the family funeral home.
I have made it very, very clear to my family that I want to be cremated upon death, and I do not want a public viewing of my body. If I die in the hospital, I want my immediate family to have a brief opportunity to view my body in its natural state--without makeup. Then, I want my body taken directly to the crematory for processing. Period.
A memorial service is optional and I can forego that ritual as well. I have my urn and my monument and I have given clear instructions as to my end-of-life wishes. Do you hear me family?
Now, I certaily respect the wishes of others who desire to have a funeral or a memorial service, with or without a cremation or traditional burial; however, I hope my own views should be respected--and followed.
The death ritual should fulfill my wishes and whatever your own thoughts, shouldn't I have the ultimate say? I am of sound mind and I have made my wishes abundantly clear, so dear family, please honor me by following MY wishes.
Dearest family, please remember that I do not want a viewing of my remains in a church, funeral home or graveside service. Instead, should you desire to hold a memorial service, I suggest that you use a large oil painting that portrays my life some 15 years or so ago. That will be enough.
Also, please remember that I have already written my obituary and you will find copies in print and MS Word and .rtf formats on a disc in my file at the funeral home. I have shown my love for my family by planning the necessary activities that conclude my life. I love you dear family, now please honor my wishes.
Burton Fletcher
www.USAMonuments.com
Burton@USAMonuments.com
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